A year ago today I woke up like any other morning to go to work. It was a beautiful spring day, that I remember clearly. But my mood and attitude did not reflect the gorgeous weather. Our car was in the shop for the millionth time so that was making me a little grumpy, but mostly the thing that made me feel down was that we had no idea when or if we would ever have a baby. It was kind of crummy day at work. I remember sitting on the picnic table outside at work and crying to one of my dear friends about a very minor disagreement I had with another colleague. I remember her asking "what are you really upset about?" I can't really remember what I said but of course now I know I was upset because I felt like nothing was working out the way it should. My beloved school was closing and I was losing my job as a teacher. I had always felt like I was born to be a mother and my body had failed me. It felt like too much.
Then everything changed in an instant. It was one of those perfectly warm spring evenings and DH and I were sitting out on our back deck when my cell phone rang and it was our social worker saying that an amazing young woman had chosen us to be the parents of her baby. Exactly two weeks later we would be holding our beautiful baby boy for the first time, and one year later we find ourselves planning for a first birthday party to celebrate the most wonderful year of our lives.
You could argue that my life is not completely perfect. There is still uncertainty in my life as far as my career goes. Should I go back to work? Should I stay home another year, or perhaps more to the point can I even get a job to go back too? A year ago this kind of an unsettled future would have made me nuts. I would have worried and obsessed about not have a clear plan going forward. I was talking about this with my friend yesterday and she commented (in a somewhat surprised tone) that I seemed at peace with either option. I suddenly realized that this was true. My fried who I was talking too is perhaps my oldest and dearest friend. (She's my Gayle - for all of you Oprah watchers!) She knows that I have never been one to be at peace with uncertainty. But our journey to Henry has given me an inner peace and acceptance of things that I never thought I would have. I am happy NOW and that is enough for me. Whatever will be will be. I will keep my options open and know that sometimes the most unimaginably wonderful future is right around the corner.
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